“Nobody knows when depression or anxiety crawls in your bed and calls it home. It eats with you, sleeps with you, and well lives with you... Till it feels normal?”
It started when she had just joined another organization in August 2019. In seven months she left the organization by giving them an excuse for illness and that she no longer wanted to be a part of the organization. She wasn't feeling like herself. She was physically exhausted and emotionally drained. Trying hard to keep up with what was going around in her surroundings. Her partner could also sense something missing in her and he wasn't able to see the spark he once saw in her when her shy smile grew wider behind her glasses. He missed how she used to laugh without care until the room bubbled with her giggle. Hard to confess for him and hard for her to accept that she wasn't her anymore. Yes, she was a mess.
In the fury of emotions, she decided to do more, to shake the feeling of being lost. She was in a hurry to be on the top of the world and believed that once she has done something big is when she should do a self-check (silly her right?)
Soon her anxiety and depression took the best of her. Her partner confronted her and said, “No, this isn't you.” “What!?”, she exclaimed. “What isn't me?”. He explained to her the changes he had observed and the anxiety took over her again listening to the things her partner had confronted her about.
She wasn't sure of how to go ahead with it as mental issues were a real stigma in the small city she lives in.
But still, she found herself stepping in to see a therapist for a better version of herself. She went ahead hoping for the best, not aware that sometimes we do meet monsters in the face of therapists as well.
She went there through the reference of a friend. A common acquaintance of hers and her partner that suggested visiting the therapist they had been seeing for a while now. As they were considering the complete magic of what happened in their case, she was hopeful. That yes, maybe she is about to meet someone with a magic wand and the magician will just look at me identify the problem or anything that I am facing, and will swish the wand and the magic will work.
And by the way, it was said that he was a very busy magician and many people came to him for being treated and for being healed. He didn't meet anyone for more than 15 - 30 mins. In those few minutes, he used to turn everything upside down and you are new all over again.
She was at the clinic in an old building in a small and congested area. There was not much, a receptionist sitting in a small area and some old furniture and painting that turned my mouth bitter. Strange, I wondered.
The furniture needed some attention and a room that could do with some love. For a magician, it was pretty bleak. Excited, she was ready to accept all the magic that was going to come to her any minute.
She gave her name to the receptionist and was waiting for her number eagerly. And then finally she heard her name. She rushed to the magician’s cabin and saw him for the first time.
She thought she would be healed with a glance or within just an instance. But it wasn't the case and it was nothing she imagined. There was something else waiting for her.
She had so much to talk about and ask about. She just couldn’t think of one topic at a time as she was having millions of thoughts. As she just wanted to resolve every bit of herself even the irritation of the complaints she has with herself so she can love herself for who she actually is.
She waited eagerly for the magician’s answer and a detailed plan or roadmap of what will be done to resolve it and make her meet her real self.
The magician used to say he has a scanner installed in his chair. He has been gifted with this ability that he can quickly scan people and recognize them and so he is “ God” for them in his patient’s definition not his(Down to earth right?)
He said with the help of the scanner he has scanned her and knows what has to be done. She was so happy to hear that. Just imagine a person knows that you completely know how to resolve your triggers and along with that will help you unleash yourself isn’t that something we all have been looking for? When we are low or we feel we are lost or we just give up hope.
She wanted to hear everything at that moment. She just couldn't wait for it. But the magician asked to have patience as it is a journey one has to do with oneself so it takes time. She just wasn’t happy listening to it at that moment that it will take time. She was disappointed as she was expecting results in just 20 mins. But she got to hold on to that disappointment and said to herself that let’s take this journey and see what is there at another end.
She was okay with it. Gradually her sessions started. She was having highs and lows of emotions. She was having multiple breakdowns and severe aggression.
One fine day she was having such highs and lows of emotions again and she was feeling heavy and choked up. She messaged him and asked him if she can meet him and have a word with him about her emotions and the way she is feeling. She rushed to the clinic. She had a word with him and instantly she felt better. Seeing at the condition and the peak of the emotion the magician immediately made changes in his calendar and asked her to come to him twice a week so she can feel better. And said it very strictly not to discuss anything that is being discussed here with anyone else.
The problem started when her health wasn’t progressing after multiple sessions with him and she was on the verge to be out of her savings as well. Hesitantly, she said to him that she has exhausted and invested all her savings on the sessions and her medications. But instead, he mentioned that she deserves something better, he advised her to look for an emotionally mature partner somebody like him or somebody she will meet in the time ahead but she has to move on.
At the same time, she was going door to door to every organization as a consultant to seek a flexible job at her. She didn't know where she was going wrong to come back empty-handed.
In one of the therapy sessions, the magician asked her to dance as she loves dancing. But she wasn’t comfortable dancing in front of him. As he kept on insisting and she couldn't. But whenever he used to ask something that she was uncomfortable with he used to repeat the same - “ Unleash all your layers and remove this gap”. She wasn’t interested in it and morally and consciously she felt incorrect. She said yes to stop the badgering.
In a conversation, the magician asked if he could hug her. She wasn’t comfortable and she was hesitant. Although she didn’t deny the request. She was cold and numb and just thought it would be a formal hug. But that magician fell on her while hugging her and kissed her neck and at that moment she hated herself more than anything. Immediately she escaped the situation She was broken, shattered, and in a completely different state.
It took a lot of time for her to come and support from her coach to come out and tell her story. One could never ever think or imagine in his or her wildest dreams of having a traumatic experience or being more wounded while willing to have a healing experience
Divya has made her look at her emotions and give them a perspective in a different way. She is in a better place in managing her emotions. It's necessary for us to realize and understand our emotions. Feel actually what we are feeling deep within ourselves and fully allow it to be noticed in order to heal it. It’s easier said than done but everything comes with practice and when we practice and learn to manage our emotions we start getting better at life.
It's important for us to try to understand people before trusting no matter what profession or line of service they are in. It’s always important for you to study/read a person especially while going for such a critical/sensitive matter. Make sure to search the heck out of the person and the details about the person. Ask them questions to make sure you are knowing what you are getting out of it. Read the signals and notice the danger around you. Make sure you are present and are not letting some obvious signs go unnoticed. And once you feel you have a mutual bond and you are healing and feeling at a better place you will see you are blooming in everything. It means my dear you, you are in a safe place and in a very good hand.
People and surroundings will knock you down. There will be a time you will be knocked down so bad that you wouldn’t like to even see the next day. Get up from your bed and do the things you usually use to do it or cherish them, love them, laugh at them, enjoy them. It will all go blank, motionless. But more than anything don’t give up for your own self you didn't come this long or survived this just for giving up. Make yourself a priority and start working on yourself and you will be rewarded with something you would have also not thought of in your dreams. Work towards your goals. Set a vision so that it wakes you up and gets you moving and always remembers the universe is guiding you and there is always “hope” no matter what. We aren’t meant to live short lives without moving and touching people and making changes that really impact us and our future.
That’s what Ksenia Consultation and my coach Divya Aggarwal gave me, a second chance at life. A Do-Over of my life. I believe in the power of transformation and how a simple thing like asking for help, can do wonders.
I've chosen to be anonymous but I would love to answer your questions and help you out in case you desire. Dropdown your questions below and I will make sure to answer them.